And Sometimes We Fall

A month ago today we had snow on the ground. It didn’t last long, but it was the last hoo-rah of the winter. It killed some of my plants, some of my tulips didn’t bloom, but some were saved. The trees are now coming back to life with many shades of green, flowers are blooming, colors are all over the place. Spring is the perfect reminder that beauty comes from the darkest days and it is all part of life’s cycle.

After being on my thyroid medication for 3 months I thought I was good to get off of the antidepressants. Even though I know the Dr. I saw was completely wrong in his judgment (you can read about that here) it still has stuck with me and I do not want to be on them while breastfeeding. So I started to wean myself.

Well, I was wrong- I still have the disease and I crashed hard.

Postpartum depression sucks. It’s unfair to all those involved. I hope one day my kids can read this and know that I did the best that I could- even though it might not have seemed like enough at the time. How do you explain to teachers that you can’t keep up with your child’s homework because you are struggling to get out of bed? That putting on real clothes was too hard of a task- so you dropped your preschooler off in pjs? Or tell your boss that you made that mistake because you’ve been crying for no reason for hours? What kills me the most is when I’ve yelled at the kids. I had some ugly days.

I was only off of the meds fully for about a week and on my darkest day I knew I had to get help asap. I immediately got back on the meds and found a counselor online- BEST THING EVER! I started reading Sacred Motherhood to get back to my soul. I started reading DailyOM, doing yoga, and reading spiritual things. I decided it was time to gather a tribe and find my soul sisters. It is time to get back to me!

My darkest day has led me back to finding myself again. It is so easy to get lost as ones mother, as ones wife, as ones daughter. But I’m finding more clarity in myself and life than ever before. Everything seems a bit greener, a bit brighter. I know it will take some time to really get back to me, but for now, I’m enjoying smelling the roses.