We’ve Got to Do Better

I feel kind of hollow after hearing the news that that the medical examiner is ruling Chris Cornell’s death as a suicide by hanging. He performed just hours before in Detroit. How did it go unnoticed that he was upset and hurting? Are we all so busy and caught up in our own world’s that we don’t notice the pain of others?

In a group chat the other day a mom was saying she finally opened herself up and shared her struggles with some women she thought were close friends. They didn’t acknowledge her pain and basically ignored her- this obviously hurt and made her question if she should be that vulnerable again.

I know in my deep dark days I reached out to my mom and begged her to come help me. She wasn’t feeling well, so she didn’t want to drive the 45 minutes that it takes to get to my house. I was in a bad place and my husband was working a night shift- I didn’t need to be alone. Situations like that have made me think- the people who have left us, did they reach out and it went unnoticed? Are we not listening to people’s cries? Are we not taking mental illness serious enough because the person is able to function most of the time?

We have got to do better.

Instead of sinking further that night I found and I got a counselor. But some people aren’t able to do this. They don’t feel like they have something to live for. These people are some of our best friends, relatives, beloved teachers, celebrities- who are very loved. They just have an illness that keeps them from seeing and feeling it.

If your loved one or friend is suffering from depression, take a minute to learn how you can help. What signs you should look for. Talk to them about it. Check in on them. Let them know they are not alone.

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If you are suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts please remember YOU ARE NOT ALONE! You may feel it, but please reach out and talk to someone:


And Sometimes We Fall

A month ago today we had snow on the ground. It didn’t last long, but it was the last hoo-rah of the winter. It killed some of my plants, some of my tulips didn’t bloom, but some were saved. The trees are now coming back to life with many shades of green, flowers are blooming, colors are all over the place. Spring is the perfect reminder that beauty comes from the darkest days and it is all part of life’s cycle.

After being on my thyroid medication for 3 months I thought I was good to get off of the antidepressants. Even though I know the Dr. I saw was completely wrong in his judgment (you can read about that here) it still has stuck with me and I do not want to be on them while breastfeeding. So I started to wean myself.

Well, I was wrong- I still have the disease and I crashed hard.

Postpartum depression sucks. It’s unfair to all those involved. I hope one day my kids can read this and know that I did the best that I could- even though it might not have seemed like enough at the time. How do you explain to teachers that you can’t keep up with your child’s homework because you are struggling to get out of bed? That putting on real clothes was too hard of a task- so you dropped your preschooler off in pjs? Or tell your boss that you made that mistake because you’ve been crying for no reason for hours? What kills me the most is when I’ve yelled at the kids. I had some ugly days.

I was only off of the meds fully for about a week and on my darkest day I knew I had to get help asap. I immediately got back on the meds and found a counselor online- BEST THING EVER! I started reading Sacred Motherhood to get back to my soul. I started reading DailyOM, doing yoga, and reading spiritual things. I decided it was time to gather a tribe and find my soul sisters. It is time to get back to me!

My darkest day has led me back to finding myself again. It is so easy to get lost as ones mother, as ones wife, as ones daughter. But I’m finding more clarity in myself and life than ever before. Everything seems a bit greener, a bit brighter. I know it will take some time to really get back to me, but for now, I’m enjoying smelling the roses.