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Depleted

My superpowers are slowly fading with every whine and cry that pierce my ears. We are on day 12 of my babies not being at 100%. It started with a cold with the littles after a fun night at Joan Jett.

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The following day they were battling 104 and 101 temps and they both only wanted mama. That meant carrying them both up the stairs, sleeping sitting up while holding them both, long nights of wiping noses and tears.

3 days later, baby girl had an ear infection in both ears and little man was on the mend. She is also cutting a front tooth, so she was (still is) miserable. 3 days after that, he had a scheduled tonsillectomy.

img_5337 Needless to say, it has been a very long 12 days of mama caring for her babies. And now I’m touched out. I’m depleted. I’ve given everything in me and little is left. My patience is low. Every high pitch sound they make is like nails to a chalkboard. They sense my angst and are reacting by being super needy and acting out.

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They do not understand mama has to get back to work. They do not understand mama desperately needs some alone time- just an uninterrupted shower or potty break. They do not understand my legs hurt from sharing the bed with 3 other bodies and having 2 kids on my lap is uncomfortable. They don’t understand depression or anxiety and how tired I am. Or how I just need some peace and quiet!! This super-mama needs to recharge, but I can’t until they don’t need all of me.

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Growing Up- First Day

Today he seems so tiny. His giant personality is small. He looks so innocent, making his first big steps into the world of independence. He’s an old soul that can’t be contained any longer. He is so ready for this moment. But am I? Spread your wings little man!

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Happiness With a Side of PPD

It has been 6 months since I was diagnosed with PPD. I thought I would be off of meds by now and way into my new groove with 3 kiddos. I much prefer the natural approach to the mind, spirit, and body- but I also know when I need to seek help so I can be the best for my family.

I was first diagnosed with depression when I was 12. I’ve been on and off meds majority of my life. I only stayed on them for a short while in the past because I believed my depression was completely situational. I would find my peace and move on. I know depression is a chemical imbalance, but I figured the things I had faced caused the imbalance. But for the first time in my life, I am truly happy. I am completely satisfied. I could not be more thankful for my life and family. And yet here I am, on the highest amount of Lexapro that I can take while nursing and taking anxiety meds as needed- and it is super frustrating!

The other night I was walking our pup and I turned around and admired our little house.

I was looking into the nightlight lit rooms, with pinkish and blue tints seeping through the windows. I remember thinking about how blessed I was to have 3 healthy sleeping children inside. I thought about my husband and the five years we have been through. The ups and downs in the beginning that have led us to this peace. I can’t explain how amazing it is to have a partner that is your missing piece. That things just connect so easily without being forced. We can be us with no judgement. He holds me together when I feel like I’m slipping like it is nothing at all. I’m one lucky girl to have his understanding.

I looked at our house in awe and with gratitude that this is my life, then saw a shooting star fall from the distance behind the house. It was one of those magical, surreal moments. After it fell, I realized I had nothing to wish for- it was all inside waiting for me.